I did not even know it for blood at first, it looked so black, & seemed so warm & thick, like sealing-wax. I did it only to make her be quiet & stop jerking, but when I took my hands away there was blood upon them, I think she must have bitten her own tongue or made her nose bleed. I said 'My God, Peter!' & he looked once at me then said 'Now you little bitch', & he caught her legs & I put my hands across her mouth. Do you want to be made better or not' But she only screamed again, & then she fell, she fell upon the floor & began to kick. Then Peter said 'What's this, you silly girl You are spoiling it all. Be a little gentler & she will let you come close to her, I am sure.' But when he did step gently to put his hand on her, she gave a scream & grew at I said 'Peter, you must be kinder, Madeleine is only afraid. 'Am I to come all this way, only to be sent back again Do you know how hard my journey is & how much I have suffered, & all for your sake' Then Madeleine began to cry - of course, some do cry. You are not frightened are you, of him Look, here he is, look at him, open your eyes.' But she would not do that, she only said 'O, I am terribly afraid! O Miss Dawes, please don't have him come any closer!' Well, many ladies have said that, having Peter come near them for the first time, alone. When I told her I could feel him near she only shook & kept her eyes shut. He was too rough, & Madeleine too nervous. And Peter Quick is gone, I think for ever.
But Mrs Brink is lying quite alone in her own cold bed, & Madeleine Silvester is downstairs weeping in a fit. I might be waiting for Mrs Brink to come & take me down to a dark circle, & Madeleine or any girl might be there, blushing, thinking of Peter, of Peter's great dark whiskers & shining hands. If I close my eyes & listen it might be any ordinary night. Now the house is full of voices, all saying my name.
She said 'What, do you want me to lock up my own mistress, who has done nothing' In the end the doctor took the key from her & locked the door himself, then made her leave me. They wanted Ruth to do it, but she would not.
They have put me in my own room, they have locked the door on me. They have left me sitting in the dark, with only the light from the window to write by. AFFINITY Sarah Waters 3 August 1873 I was never so frightened as I am now.
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